Mother's Day: It's Complicated

A lot of money and energy is spent on and around Mother's Day to promote the celebration of mothers. When many think about Mother's Day, images of breakfast in bed and presents surrounding a grateful and gracious matriarch come to mind.  It's the one day universally recognized as the day moms don't have to cook, clean, or pick up after their children. What a gift. Under the cloyingly sweet surface is a myriad of complex emotions that most of us feel, but don't feel comfortable outwardly expressing. After all, Mother's Day is supposed to be happy, like Christmas.

The truth is that Mother's Day is layered. For everyone observing the holiday, it could be that the relationship to their mother is estranged or difficult. Perhaps they are remembering a mother who died many years ago- or just last year. Melancholy can be the overarching emotion on such a day.

There are women who want to be mothers, but only have losses or piles of negative pregnancy tests to show for it. They wonder if they will ever hold a baby of their own. There are mothers who have put their children up for adoption, who feel unworthy of the holiday. Emptiness in this space is thick.

There are also the new mothers who are struggling with postpartum depression- who feel like every day is a battle and wonder if they are cut out to be mothers at all. There are expectant mothers who feel joy and warmth as they think about the little life growing inside them, but worry about how they will pay for their food and clothes on a single mother's budget.

Like most everyone, Mother's Day is a very difficult day for me. Two years ago on Mother's Day, I got the call notifying me of the death of my biological mother who suffered from cancer. As a mom to two kids, I cried that morning in my bed and then got up and prepared myself to be celebrated. That day, I was sad for the loss of my biological mom, while also celebrating the life and love of my adopted mom. I was also struggling with the relatively new concept of being a heart/special needs mom. It was a lot. 

This year, the sadness of Mother's Day is particularly acute for me. The loss of Liam last year and the trauma associated with his death have been heavy to bear. The week leading up to this Sunday's celebrations have been especially difficult. I don't know how to explain to the uninitiated what it is like to be a mom to a boy, but it is sacred and special. To have it and to lose it is an indescribable agony. Of course, I have my sweet girls who I love and who love me. There is joy to be felt, but there is also a multitude of other emotions that are also real and valid. 

The word "celebrate" lacks the complexity of the emotions we all feel- celebration implies only joy. It not only denies the existence of other emotions, it actively suppresses them. When we call it a celebration we don't leave room to acknowledge the truth. Perhaps a more accurate description might be "honor and commemorate" although Hallmark would definitely frown on the word count. 

To honor and commemorate mothers is also to recognize their suffering and their loss. To ignore the complexity and pain of motherhood is to ignore a large portion of what it is to be a mother, which is antithetical to the holiday's intent. So, as you all go about honoring and commemorating the matriarchs of your family, be mindful of those around you who may be experiencing a wide range of emotions. Be quick to listen and slow to correct. Make room for the sadness of others and embrace your own unique and complicated emotions as you remember your mother and/or other matriarchal figures in your life.