What Ifs

It’s been 10 days since Liam died and our lives feel like an episode of “The Twilight Zone.” Real, yet surreal with a lingering gut punch feeling- especially at night when the girls are asleep and the brain just won’t turn off. 

At first, the images that replayed were of the Saturday evening when things turned terrible. Turning to pack a syringe of food for the ED and turning back to see Liam in cardiac arrest. As I type this the images jump back into my mind. Now, the images and thoughts are Sunday and all the things that day which led up to our boy’s death. What if? is a game all parents play when one of their children dies. It’s a game no one wins and yet is played countless times everyday. Ambien helps when, even exhausted, my mind goes into overdrive wondering what could have been if only we’d done this or that... All that thinking does not reverse the clock- instead, I’m stuck in this endless loop.

During the day, there are our girls to take care of. Eliza is 4 & 1/2- full of energy and questions about everything we see. Josie is 11 months old and just itching to go everywhere, come Hell or high water. They fill our days with love and joy and tasks. But the days are not completely packed like they used to be. We used to joke when you’re a level 10 tank in any video game, fighting a level 7 boss is a cake walk. Our XP (experience) no longer matches the playing level we’re on. In regular sports terms- we’ve gone from playing zone defense to just regular old defense. It’s still a challenge, but there is more time to think.

I hope one day there will be fewer what ifs. I hope as we go on and find ways to talk through the trauma those what ifs will be replaced with more and more certainty, but I also think a part of me will be asking questions with the last breath I take in this world. They may be even the first questions I ask Jesus when I see him face to face. There just isn’t enough time on this planet to find total peace when faced with the death of a child. Eternity may also not be enough, if I’m being honest.

For those sincerely wondering- we are ok. We are going to make it. Life is painful and lovely by turns each day and we miss our sweet boy who made the most of every second he had. We honor him by doing the same.