Descending Everest

Note to the Reader: This was written right after Liam's discharge following the Fontan in July in its entirety, prior to the events that precipitated Liam's death. Liam died on September 13th following an unexpected cardiac arrest caused by an arrhythmia on September 12th. 

As I saw Logan pull into the driveway with Liam from my bonus room office this afternoon I was surprised to feel what seemed to be 100 pounds fall off my chest. I don’t think I had realized what kind of burden I was carrying. While we don’t know what still lies ahead, all the certain challenges are done. The unknown is still scary, but now I have the capacity to hope the hardest things are behind us for a while. When you live a life in fear for two years knowing earth shattering events are just around the corner, there’s a certain kind of relief with having it done. 

If you remember what it felt like to break a vase or some other family relic and then realize your parents were going to be furious with you, that is the best approximation I can conjure for the uninitiated reader. If you’re like me you probably tried to hide the incident. All that anxiety as you waited for your parents to figure out what you’d done, imagining all the possible punishments- that’s what it feels like to love a child destined for heart surgery. Once the parents found out and punishment handed down, the gratefulness to have survived (don’t roll your eyes- you know it felt like your parents were going to murder you for breaking that heirloom), is palpable. 

This third surgery is different because the next part of Liam’s life is completely unwritten. Of course there are other obstacles he’ll face that may be years off- or just mere months, but what I no longer carry is the knowledge of what happens next. 

I can tell you knowing the future is a burden I am grateful to bid farewell. While it has taught us the important lesson of appreciating the present, it has been cruel in its methods. 

I’ve never climbed Mt. Everest (if I can offer one more analogy without being burned at the stake), but  if I ever were to, I would probably feel like this: that I’ve accomplished something amazing as I gazed at the world from its peak. That is the feeling that dominates my soul at the moment. But I also imagine the next feeling- a sense that this was a proving ground for bigger challenges ahead. Mt. Everest is the most popular mountain folks aspire to conquer, but the ascent is not nearly as dangerous as the descent. In fact, most deaths occur after climbers have reached the summit and are on their way back to their normal lives. Reaching the peak is only one victory. 

The wide world is now in our sights and there will be hurdles to overcome. Some have already started to appear before us and others, I’m sure, will sneak up.