Working (Heart)Mom, Part I

When I returned to work 3 months after giving birth to my daughter, Eliza, I was heartbroken. I handed my sweet baby to a person who was, at that time, a near stranger and then drove to my job in tears. So it has gone (sans the tears) for the last two years and some change. 

I must repeat this process yet again with Liam in mere hours. The only difference this time is instead of sending Liam off to daycare, he’ll be staying home with my husband- which is nothing short of a saving grace. Interstage is a time of near isolation to avoid any and all contagion with only small spurts of calculated risk taking the form of having people over for pockets of time. For Liam, going to daycare during this time could kill him- a banal cold might as well be Ebola, so Logan has started an FMLA leave which should be enough to get us through the second surgery and recovery.

Logan’s ability to stay home does help relieve the feelings of guilt- after all, Liam will have some amazing Dad time Eliza never experienced- but it cannot negate the sadness of the task so near at hand. Tomorrow, I will need to get myself dressed in professional attire and leave my son so that I can continue to care for him by providing shelter, clothes, and food. Meanwhile, Logan will replace me as Liam’s full-time nurturer. I wonder if Liam will miss me, but I also know that’s a futile ponderance and one that will make it harder to leave in the morning, so will I set that concept aside intentionally for the sake of my own emotional survival.

This has always been the way of the world. Provision and care are both worthy endeavors- one primarily a focus of the mind and body and the other governed by the heart and soul. I have no doubt Logan and Liam will thrive together, but handing over the heart/soul job is a tall order as a Mom. Handing it over as a Heart Mom feels even more difficult. 

I do not have the choice to be a SAHM (stay at home Mom), but I do know it is just as difficult to stay as it is to go into a day job. The difficulties are nearly polar opposites and yet neither are easy. Tomorrow, I’ll get up, kiss my boys goodbye, and head off to face the world (taking Eliza to daycare on my way of course and kissing her farewell, too). Needless to say, I’ll be counting down the hours until I can kiss those sweet faces hello again which never comes soon enough.


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