The Wall & The Tipping Point

Much like the well-known “pregnancy wall” wherein a  gloriously glowing woman goes a little insane and begins to wish for her body back around week 36, I’ve discovered there is such a thing as a “hospital wall” and it starts to set in about 2 & 1/2 weeks post-admission. 

If you haven’t spent much time in a hospital (like me until only a few short weeks ago), then you may be unfamiliar with the symptoms of hitting the hospital wall. Such side effects include, but are not limited to:

• Irritability
• Crying at everything
• Frustration Cussing (not at providers but definitely to friends and family willing to listen)
• Depression
• Simultaneously wanting to be left alone and desperately needing people to be present 

I’m sure the list will grow, but those are the main, tell-tale signs. 

There is also a tipping point you hit where you go from being an amenable guest to an advocate (i.e.: a parent who knows enough to ask questions and insist on answers). I’m feeling myself cross that threshold and it feels both liberating and terrifying. My son’s health and recovery is the most important thing right now, but I don’t want to be the mom the assigned staff are warned about. The line between being an effective advocate and an obnoxious bystander may have some thin points on the continuum, but I am striving to stay on the right side. It does mean that I force myself to call people on their shit (like our nurse yesterday who walked into a contact protocol* room to help her neighbor without putting on the appropriate yellow smock) even when it feels incredibly uncomfortable. It means that when I notice my son’s white blood cell count has increased over the 24 hours since the last doctors’ rounds that I don’t assume the doctors noticed and don’t think it’s a big deal. Trusting myself in a place where everyone is far more knowledgeable is intimidating, but each day I learn through experience I’m not an idiot or a bystander- I am my son’s voice and if I don’t speak up, no one can fill that silence. 

I’ve hit the hospital wall and experienced the tipping point pretty much at the same time this week. I have a lot more to learn in the coming days, but I now have more courage than I did before and that can only be a benefit to my son. 

*Contact Protocol- there is an identified infection or illness that can be transmitted through touch with the child. Anyone entering the hospital room must wear a yellow smock going in, must remove the smock upon exiting the room, and must wash their hands before entering another room to prevent further transmission of the illness.