The Paradox of Comforting Strangers
The first question I ask myself when encountering a stranger who wants to be excited about my obvious pregnancy is, "how much do I want to tell this person?" For some readers, the automatic answer is "nothing," but once you're in the situation you find yourself at a crossroads and, for me, how my day is going is a large factor in how I respond.
If I'm feeling optimistic and not really interested in delving into details, I simply say what my due date is, our son's gender, and confirm I'm very excited. This interaction is generally positive, but there is a lingering feeling of forced enthusiasm and falsehood- like when someone at church asks how you're doing and you robotically say, "I'm good," even if your world is in shambles. There is a certain level of showmanship when I respond this way. Everyone loves a pregnant lady and the hope and joy pregnancy represents. No one really expects to be bummed out approaching who they assume is a joyous and radiant woman. While I've never asked someone how they feel once I've been honest, my gut instinct is that they wished they hadn't approached me.
When I do decide I'm going to be real with people, they're generally acquaintances instead of complete strangers and the reactions are fairly similar. Most people go straight into all the positives, "Oh, it's going to be fine- I know so many people with kids who've had open heart surgery and they're doing wonderful." Or, "You're so lucky to be near Duke- they are so great." I think these ideas come up first for a couple for reasons, not necessarily exclusive to one another. One reason is they are genuinely interested in me feeling ok about what is happening. I appreciate the intent for sure, though the delivery often feels like they expect me to be super upbeat about a really awful diagnosis. The other reason is that, honestly, I think people need to find a way not to be seriously bummed out after walking away. These rationales and declarative statements tend to make them feel better about the interaction. Their positive outlook helps them to go about their business without feeling weighed down by the troubles of someone else. Purely from a survival mode standpoint, I completely get it. People have enough on their plates; they don't like to absorb the weight of the world on top of their own personal situation.
But then you have these encounters where you feel like you ought to be comforting the person you're telling and that is truly surreal. These are the situations where people burst into tears and you're left asking yourself, Should I hug them and (God forbid) tell them it's going to be fine? The funny part about this is it reveals the same instinct in me that is so hard to deal with in others. Moments like these remind me we're all stuck in the same loop. We desperately want to comfort those who are upset or hurting, but our instincts are all wrong. Knowing that I am as guilty of this as everyone else helps me have perspective. I won't go so far as to say mercy, but I think I'm getting there.
So what is the lesson in all this? There's a book on managing people I've read a couple of times and each time one of my biggest take-aways is that if I "do what comes naturally" when responding to any situation, I'm bound to be doing it wrong. Doing what comes naturally is instinctive, but instinct isn't always right. Doing or saying the right thing takes time and thoughtfulness- it takes mindfulness. The first thing we want to say is rarely the right thing. Proverbs 17:27 talks about this: "The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even tempered." Proverbs 12:18 may be even more clear, "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Regardless if you read the bible or not, you likely sense the truth of these words.
In order to change our behavior, we have to first recognize that we are, by instinct, a reckless lot- myself included. Once we recognize this, we may find ourselves taking the first step on the path of wisdom. If you're wondering if I'm going to provide you with a list of great things to say or do, the simple truth is that I'm no further on this path than anyone else who's reading this. All I can do is stop being reckless and wait for wisdom to show up.
If I'm feeling optimistic and not really interested in delving into details, I simply say what my due date is, our son's gender, and confirm I'm very excited. This interaction is generally positive, but there is a lingering feeling of forced enthusiasm and falsehood- like when someone at church asks how you're doing and you robotically say, "I'm good," even if your world is in shambles. There is a certain level of showmanship when I respond this way. Everyone loves a pregnant lady and the hope and joy pregnancy represents. No one really expects to be bummed out approaching who they assume is a joyous and radiant woman. While I've never asked someone how they feel once I've been honest, my gut instinct is that they wished they hadn't approached me.
When I do decide I'm going to be real with people, they're generally acquaintances instead of complete strangers and the reactions are fairly similar. Most people go straight into all the positives, "Oh, it's going to be fine- I know so many people with kids who've had open heart surgery and they're doing wonderful." Or, "You're so lucky to be near Duke- they are so great." I think these ideas come up first for a couple for reasons, not necessarily exclusive to one another. One reason is they are genuinely interested in me feeling ok about what is happening. I appreciate the intent for sure, though the delivery often feels like they expect me to be super upbeat about a really awful diagnosis. The other reason is that, honestly, I think people need to find a way not to be seriously bummed out after walking away. These rationales and declarative statements tend to make them feel better about the interaction. Their positive outlook helps them to go about their business without feeling weighed down by the troubles of someone else. Purely from a survival mode standpoint, I completely get it. People have enough on their plates; they don't like to absorb the weight of the world on top of their own personal situation.
But then you have these encounters where you feel like you ought to be comforting the person you're telling and that is truly surreal. These are the situations where people burst into tears and you're left asking yourself, Should I hug them and (God forbid) tell them it's going to be fine? The funny part about this is it reveals the same instinct in me that is so hard to deal with in others. Moments like these remind me we're all stuck in the same loop. We desperately want to comfort those who are upset or hurting, but our instincts are all wrong. Knowing that I am as guilty of this as everyone else helps me have perspective. I won't go so far as to say mercy, but I think I'm getting there.
So what is the lesson in all this? There's a book on managing people I've read a couple of times and each time one of my biggest take-aways is that if I "do what comes naturally" when responding to any situation, I'm bound to be doing it wrong. Doing what comes naturally is instinctive, but instinct isn't always right. Doing or saying the right thing takes time and thoughtfulness- it takes mindfulness. The first thing we want to say is rarely the right thing. Proverbs 17:27 talks about this: "The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even tempered." Proverbs 12:18 may be even more clear, "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Regardless if you read the bible or not, you likely sense the truth of these words.
In order to change our behavior, we have to first recognize that we are, by instinct, a reckless lot- myself included. Once we recognize this, we may find ourselves taking the first step on the path of wisdom. If you're wondering if I'm going to provide you with a list of great things to say or do, the simple truth is that I'm no further on this path than anyone else who's reading this. All I can do is stop being reckless and wait for wisdom to show up.
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