How to Be Present in the Suck (adapted from an earlier FB post)

Despite this world being extraordinarily challenging for a lot of people, there is a significant amount of ignorance surrounding how to be present with people experiencing tough circumstances. This is less an indictment of individuals and more so a judgment of our culture. Even in the church, there is little instruction on how to mourn. There's a whole book of the bible dedicated to grief and, in my 31 years of life, I have yet to hear a teaching that truly delves into how to lament our own circumstances or how to be present with others that are grieving. This lack of education does us all a great disservice- not just to the person experiencing great pain, but also to those who want to help and don't know how. If you read Lamentations 1:16, you'll note while Jerusalem is going through a horrible situation, it's not just the situation that is being lamented, but also the lack of friends to comfort her. 

"This is why I weep

and my eyes overflow with tears.

No one is near to comfort me

no one to restore my spirit..."

Before I go further, I must disclose that we have been incredibly blessed with friends and family who have followed the below steps well. There are people surrounding us who are good at being present and who want to be available and we have experienced an overflow of care in recent weeks. We are so incredibly thankful, but I would be remiss if I did not point out that this is not the case for many who are dealing with painful situations and for any who are stumbling upon this blog who are looking for guidance on how to assist others, I hope the following guidelines give you the jump start you need:

1) Avoid saying comfortable phrases like: “it will work out.” The hard truth is you don’t actually know that. It may not work out. Saying things will work out inadvertently telegraphs an unintended idea that what they are experiencing is not that big a deal and what is before them is trivial. This makes people feel like their feelings about their situation are not valid. Acknowledging that a situation is painful/hard is what people need.

Other phrases that are not helpful: “everything will be ok,” “God has a plan,” (this one may be true, but unless you have insight into what that plan is (unlikely), it's not helpful) “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” (seriously, I love you, but please stop talking).

Phrases that ARE helpful: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” “I would like to grab coffee with you today/this week and hear how you’re doing,” (please don't forget to follow through or this turns into a bad phrase) and “how can I pray for you right now?”

2) Sitting silently or just listening to a person who is struggling is better than not showing up. It’s ok to not have answers. People you love aren’t looking for answers and they don’t expect them from their friends- they just need their friends. While some people would prefer their "space," I have found that to not be something we need. This is the time where isolation and loneliness can really wreak havoc so being present and emotionally available is one of the best gifts you can give.

3) Find practical ways you can provide assistance and then tell your friend/family member what you want to do and ask them when would be a good time to do it. If you wait on that person to tell you what they need, you're likely to never hear from them. It’s not that they don’t need help or that they don’t want help- they are just too consumed by what is going on to ask for help or even have the presence of mind to know what would be helpful.

4) Remember that your friend/family member cannot fill you up emotionally- they will drain you- that is just a reality. It’s unlikely they will be able to reciprocate what you are doing for them during this season in their lives. Make sure you connect with other friends to counterbalance the draining effect of maintaining this relationship- otherwise you will find yourself pulling away and staying away because your self-care is being neglected.

5) Repeat steps 1-4. The fact is there will be days when your friends/family members feel like they can overcome anything and then there will be days when all they can think about is how hard the world is and how much they wish this wasn't happening to them. The emotional roller coaster is unpredictable so being intentional about your presence in their lives is key.

This is not an exhaustive list of ways to be available and present, but following these basic guidelines has worked well for us in our situation and I hope readers will implement all or some of these principles with anyone in their lives in need of comfort and care.